an expert on nothing except.....

                I wouldn’t call myself an authority on anything. I majored in psychology for two years but I gave it up when I learned about Melanie Klein's outrageous theories of human development (that she hypothesized while battling the demons of a six year psychotic state). I’m a good cook but my trial and error approach is not the fine work of a skilled chef. I’ve read a lot of books about crime but I don’t have the courage to be a detective and while I’ve flown frequently I still can’t get through TSA without holding up the line. I am obsessed with nutrition but I can’t explain to you the chemistry that makes monounsaturated fat so good for you (or even if chemistry would explain it, it might be biology…) and I can’t construct a workout regimen for a woman who wants to lose weight in her thighs.

                Really, I should feel pretty bad about myself. I’m halfway educated on the mind, a hit-or-miss cook, and a crime junkie who can’t even make it through airport security. I’ve spent years in school for a wide range of superficial knowledge on everything from economics to statistics to literature but half the time I don’t know what I’m talking about at all. And here is where my expertise comes in, the place I really shine.

                Now this isn’t something to be proud of. Of course I wish I could tell you all about how eating protein and calcium together stimulates the metabolism (or whatever. That topic may be made up because it is very likely eating protein and calcium together is detrimental to your metabolism. There is also the distinct possibility one has nothing to do with the other) but I can’t. I can’t tell you about that or how potatoes are farmed or how we keep coming up with different breeds of genetically engineered miniature dogs. Like I said, I’m not an expert on anything. What I can tell you is how to act like you know what you’re talking about even when you don’t.

                There are a lot of scenarios where you might be called upon to reach out of your comfort zone and personal areas of “expertise.” The most obvious and easiest to maneuver through is at school when you have to write a paper about something you know nothing about. It’s simple. Do your research, cite your sources, and use spell check.

                It gets more confusing when you’re put on the spot. You get asked a question in class and people are staring at you. You don’t know why the Protestant Reformation had such an impact on the lower class, all you know is that Martin Luther guy was like a cult leader. But here you are, forced to say something. In a confident voice repeat the question back. This allows you to stall for time, giving you ten to fifteen solid seconds to formulate your answer. Most importantly, it allows you to avoid that awkward pause that screams I don’t have a clue!!!  During this time think about everything you know about the topic. Use key words in the question to guide you. In this example the term “reformation” is the ticket to forming an answer without a lot of facts. Think about what you know about reform, the Catholic church, and England in general. With a smile, speak with authority and confidence, always remembering if you don’t know the answer it’s best to keep it short and sweet.

If you can’t even manage an educated guess it may be best to switch topics. You know all about Martin Luther and have a strong opinion about his cult-like ways but of course, this theory has left you without any time to explore the religious significance of the Protestant Reformation. While you were thinking about the blood and gore and the Thirty Year War you forgot what everyone was fighting about and you definitely don’t know anything about the lower class, except that they were called peasants. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a risk trying to steer the discussion in a different direction but I’m taking a gamble and betting your teacher is happy as long as people are talking about anything in class (maybe not anything...) . That being said, here’s how you do it. Repeat the question like we did before. Keep your pace even and never once think about letting your voice shake. Address the part of the question you know the most about and talk briefly (ten seconds, tops) about that before you begin talking about the closely related subject you know (something) about. Feel free to end your spiel with a question of your own that expands on the topic. At that point, everybody will have forgotten the original subject and your teacher will be thrilled by your eager participation. You really can’t go wrong.

Finally, one last piece of advice and though I’m not an authority on anything, I hope you listen to this. If you really, really, really don’t know the answer and you can’t pull together the words to pretend you do, just say so and be attentive when the answer is presented to you. Nobody can fault you for being honest and who knows everything anyways?